A Page Dedicated to Personal Writings
I Now Know What Hunger Is
9/20/2018
A student who no longer goes to my school would often pester me for food. He would say "Mister, do you got any snacks." I would often go to the counseling office downstairs to find him something, anything donated to our school for students. Sometimes I hear students tell me we should place a snack cabinet into the classroom. I feel it's a marvelous idea. I then look at the students asking, and see that they are bony, powering through the day to get a diploma to better their lives. I have not known hunger. The only time we ate hot dogs and cheap Kraft dinners was when my parents were too lazy to go to the store; their words, not mine. I have not known hunger. I have never know the pains of not having three squares a day. I have never known what it really means to have pains shoot through your torso from lack of nutrition.
But I know hunger now.
I work with a population of students, some of whom are cared for with the most support and love that a family can give. But some of whom live in abject poverty, in every sense of that phrase. These are not students from a mispronounced third-world country, but they are students who starve in the backyard of our cities. They may just be 20 minutes away from that favorite Thai place you have. It puts my privilege into perspective. I have never known what it's like to be awoken by shotgun blasts in the neighbor's driveway. I have never known what it's like to have to work until 2 AM. I have never known what it's like to be left, alone, to fend for myself or my sister.
I know hunger now.
Teaching and Mental Health
9/29/2018
I was on the phone with my friend last night, and I was talking about how sick I was this week. It was the most lethargic I had been in months. Truly unable to do much but sleep and eat. The weekend before I was a real go-getter. I was doing all of it. I did yoga, biked around Denver, cleaned my house, and somehow found time to catch up on school work. The next night I went to see the Rockies and my throat was sore. By the end of the next day I had informed my Principal's Assistant that I would not be returning the next day. My coworkers told me to get some rest, while moving away from me, as though I was a leper.
My friend asked me "are you sick because you're depressed?" I replied that I was depressed because I was sick, not the other way around. I try to stay on top of my mental health: exercise, diet, meditation, taking inventory, etc. She claimed that an underlying depression might be the cause of my illness. I asked her to back that with verified sources. Thanks college. But it made me think about how well I was treating myself. Perhaps this pseudo-manic running around last weekend was to avoid any chance to be introspective and think about how I really feel.
I saw an article on teaching and depression in my research in our Technology class. I decided not to look at it. But perhaps I should look back into it. I don't think I'm depressed right now, but I know that as a child I was diagnosed with dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder. I don't think mental health just becomes cured overnight, but rather it takes a lifetime of self-work of learning self worth. My principal told me that the Jeffco Employee Assistance Program is right next to our school, and that he goes there at least once a week. We also have about a dozen counselors (academic and mental health professionals) for our 300 students. I have many resources, but it is up to me to reach out and use them.
I believe that this MAE/first teaching year can be accomplished, but it takes a good balance of being social and exerting myself, and being isolated to where I can look inward.
Using New Assessments: Google Form for Self-Evaluation
10/2/2018
I have created a Google Form for my student's final evaluation next week when the term ends. There might be a better version of Google Forms out there, because I wanted students to be able to rate their peers. I see many people taking a backseat on this project, and others taking a leadership role to get it finished. Ideally, I wanted my students to use Google Forms in their Google Classroom to evaluate their peers. Now what I'm doing is combining their self-assessment with their peer assessment, which will be in paragraph form.
Although the website didn't do exactly what I wanted, I could still work around it. I ended up doing a "Scale of 1 - 10" on their personal performance, and a "Long Answer" text box on their group members and their effort. Overall, the form looks good and I will surely use this in the future. All of this is new to me, but I do appreciate the fact that I'm not printing off a stack of paper for ninety students, and I'm sure my principal will be glad of that as well.
The "Woke" Generation
10/9/2018
Woke (adj.)
Def. Although an incorrect tense of awake, a reference to how people should be aware in current affairs.
Ex. "While you are obsessing with the Kardashians, there are millions of homeless in the world. STAY WOKE"
-Urbandictionary.com
I walked up to this group's table during our final exhibition of the term. We had brought donuts for them. I bought two maple and bacon donuts, thinking "Perhaps I'll have one too." A girl named J had a donut with this group, and she called me over to explain what topped this donut. I said "Maple and bacon." A young man, Dany, disapproved of the combination and made that vocally known. Dany is charismatic, charming, and easily the second best basketball player at our school.
I seized the opportunity for a joke. I said, "What you have there my friend is a man's donut. That donut is what lumberjacks eat all morning." Chuckles from everyone; I kept at it: "That donut tastes like Maine."
Dany laughed and replied, "Well that still disgusting, and I don't want your homophobic donut anyway."
That cracked me up. But later while I was on the phone with my friend, she lovingly mentioned how "woke" the children of today are. Indeed, when I was in high school, the funny things for the alpha males to do would be to make fun of homosexuals, not defend them.
How things have changed.
After the First Grading
10/18/2018
I was quite nervous all weekend for Monday. My grade book was dismal on Thursday. I had a feeling that my students were going to riot about the fact that many of them failed the class. I mean, they had to know that they weren't working, but I wonder if they have the self-insight to see that.
Luckily, I think it was the wake-up call they needed for my classroom. A few of them were upset, one boy looked like he was going to punch something. But I had a feeling he knew why he failed my class. We gave him countless opportunities with endless amounts of support.
The countdown to grades being due was nerve-wracking. I have never been so stressed, even with the essays and stories needing grading. I have reflected on the fact that I need a new system to get my students the feedback they need in order to achieve in my class. I'm finding that I am not very connected to screens, and, literally, everything we do is on a screen. I would like to find a way to systematize my classroom so I know exactly where to go with everything. But I'm not really sure how. I have an assignment planner, but I need to get in the habit of using it!
The Achiever's Shutdown Paradox
10/25/2018
I had a student who was in danger of failing the class, and he gave me the smallest inkling that he wanted to pass the class. This particular student puts off a tough visage, but he's brilliant: charming and funny. So I contacted his house the day before everything was due. His mother said he would be working through the night to finish and submit his written work.
And finish he did. He clawed his way to a passing grade, and I was very proud. He came up and said, "Hey, I got all the stuff in." I was elated to hear that. I thought a new student was reborn, because I did all the things. I set high expectations, I scaffolded content, I communicated with his house. I did it all!
I should mention that this student is making up several credits missed from earlier in his high school career. He is probably going to be a super senior. But that's okay, because there is not a lot of shame in a credit recovery school. My feeling was the student would change. But now he is wandering the hallways, not coming to class, and, essentially, setting himself up for failure.
It is a huge blow to my teacher ego that he is so capable of achieving and yet, doesn't. Am I putting too much pressure on? Is it a mentality of "I'm not good enough, so why even try?" I don't know. Hopefully someone can explain this to me because I am baffled. More to come on this student.
A Good Day
11/5/2018
In 1993, the rapper Ice Cube released a song called "It Was A Good Day," which described a day in South Central LA that was "good." He discussed how he didn't see anyone get shot and had a swell time with a young lady. My day today was kind of like that. Minus all the gangster sh*t. I genuinely have felt extremely out of place and like I'm not doing well lately. Apparently, there is a slump in the first year of teaching, where the excitement wears off and you may think "Is this the right profession?" I must admit that I looked at jobs that teachers can have after they're done being teachers. And I'm three months in.
I could complain about a plethora of things, but really things had not gone smoothly until today. I had my first observation with my principal with my most difficult class, and many of them engaged, and it was apparent that they trusted and respected me, while at the same time cutting loose. I had a great talk with my principal and I finished grading my final manifesto. I did everything correct, and I do not often affirm when I do that. I will find the one small black smudge on a perfectly clean windshield. Today was different, today was actually good. Everything was smooth, nobody vaped in the bathroom or got into a fight. The only huge variable I can think of is that I biked to school instead of drove. I am certain that if I keep this up I can spread the healthy lifestyle of positivity.
I'm off to bed after writing this, I need tea and yoga like a plant needs water. Hopefully more good news to come.
Research Reflection
11/10/2018
I am continuing to put forth effort into my research process. I'm grateful that writing comes easy to me, but what does not come easy is following directions. I wrote the Literature Review as per the Capstone Rubric, however I failed to note the Research Methods section during the process. Today I am going to Red Rocks Community College to finish that section of the paper before I turn it in for IRB approval. I have some fears as my deadline for Jeffco is Dec. 1st and Thanksgiving Break is next week. I doubt the board will be working through the break.
Dr. Dorman and I met on Wednesday night to complete critiques of the Methods section of my paper. I am very grateful for her dedication, because I could tell she was tired, but she stuck it out until 9:30 PM on a school night. I was pretty burnt the next day, I forgot how time consuming grading papers is for an English teacher. I hate to say it, but a few weeks ago, as I got over my terrible illness, I took a step back from the grad program and I actually got better at my job; I was more present with my students and less stressed. I know this stressed and feeling of overwhelming is a "fart in the wind" to quote the Shawshank Redemption, but I still can't tell which one takes priority: my students or the graduate program.
Summative Assessments in PBL
11/10/2018
I find it fun and helpful to collaborate with other teachers on our smaller "Humanities" team in our larger "Survival Team." Any research I have done for my Capstone Project points out that successful Project Based Learning (PBL) in school needs to be accompanied by strong interdisciplinary collaboration between one or more teachers. There are many teachers, from personal experience, who would not agree to have their subject be broached by other subjects, nor would they want to work with someone. Their classroom is their classroom. However, I have it on good authority that the Jeffco Public School District is going the route of PBL. There are many teachers who would quit before giving up the traditional model of schooling. Sometimes progress is hard won.
However, I've seen PBL in action. I submitted my last PBL summative assessment wherein we had students collaborate to Build A Civilization and then battle for world domination in the gym. We built this using backwards design: we structured the summative assessment first, then filled in the scaffolding toward that later. The students were highly competitive, engaged, and interested. I found it difficult to believe that in previous years these students had been truant, disengaged, and unsuccessful in school. This might be because of us as their teachers, or that we made the prize of the day a "get out of assignment free" pass, but I think that school assessments can be fun, interactive, and teach students without rote learning. My high school heralded tests, quizzes, and essays, but in the 21st century this sort of learning only benefits the Common Core Standards and will prove unsuccessful, given another decade.
Self Care and MAE Feelings
11/10/18
So much yoga has been practiced. So much yoga. If I'm not doing yoga and meditating, I find myself being unable to sleep at night, and hence cannot function the next day. If I can be present and quiet with feelings of stress, anxiety, worry, anger, and self-doubt, I can invite them into my being, and wish them goodbye.
I find myself weaning off of coffee, and I love coffee, probably more than I love any other beverage (besides water). I have several baskets filled with herbal teas, and I haven't eaten fast food in months. I still have my comfort foods, but I don't indulge. I try to keep a balance between what needs to be done at work and with the FLC program, and having a semblance of a social life. I struggle, but I keep going as I can.
What is my biggest relief is being creative. I'm lucky enough to teach a Theatre class in my school, and we did the Sanford Meisner technique. I watched these students turn from wild high schoolers to trained actors for a small frame of time. That creative outlet is important to me. I'm learning "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on piano, which is another outlet for me. My guitar, piano and voice is an outlet. When I make the kids laugh, that's an outlet. Whatever I can do to lower my cortisol and feel like I'm still being a creative human is how I keep my sanity through tough times. In fact, the lyricist Kip Harberg who wrote "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" described his world famous song as a song that hangs onto hope and laughter in times of confusion, and everything seems hopeless. I try to keep that with me.
https://vimeo.com/57597507
IRB Feels and a Deep Conversation
11/13/2018
Today, I had to meet with my induction group, but I had double booked and promised my Research Advisor, Dr. Beth Dorman that I would meet with her. I was not present during the meeting and it was apparent. I apologized for my lack of focus (let me remind you that I am so very tired). They asked me questions about the MAE program and they seemed empathetic to the fact that this was my first year on the job, we had a crazy first Term of school, and I'm trying to get stuff in. Luckily we have two years to complete the induction process, I am going to need it.
I got home and got to work on my IRB. I thought it was good to go, but Dr. Dorman called and had some pointers to get it through. Mostly that I need an expedited IRB review. The IRB website says that "it must be a full review if children are involved." For the past six days I have been hammering my Research Proposal and Methods into something that is deliverable. And I need to remind myself that it is done.
Let me repeat: It is done.
I was very worried because Jeffco wants all IRB and Research submissions by December 1st. I was wracked with fears and worries, especially because Thanksgiving break is coming and nobody in my district will be working. But I've heard a phrase that FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real." Indeed this was it, because I called the Research Department at Jeffco and Holly Jolly (I swear that's her name!) was kind and understanding about my anxieties. Now I just feel silly. All is well and the universe wants me to succeed, because I'm putting some really good energy forth:
I had a 10 minute conversation with this kid about how he escaped the gang life in Denver and suggested books like "Always Running" and "God's Gangs." Then he told me how "someone could be such a monster and then become an entirely new person." Now he's trying to send that message to the "little homies," and I told him to listen to "Return of the G" that shares a similar message. He was super impressed that I even knew Outkast, let alone some jam from 1998. He came back in playing some "Return of the Mack." This young man wants to be a welder, but I'm going to talk to him about being an inspirational speaker (he's a phenomenal writer as well) because, not to sound snobby, his talents and wisdom would be wasted on a work site.
I'm going to play piano until I go to sleep. I haven't been sleeping all that well, but last night I got 8 hours and I feel like a normal person again.
Instructional Strategies
11/24/2018
While we, at our school, use a great deal of collaborative strategies, they are sometimes not helpful to the classroom environment. We have had more successes than failures, but in the beginning of the semester we cohorted the 10th graders, the "Bobcats" into their own group. This was a mistake for a multitude of reasons, but one of the biggest ones was thinking that these students were ready for collaborative projects like what the older students were doing. Some of these students have not been in school for a year or two, and many have behaviors of middle school students.
One collaboration in particular was embarrassingly fruitless. I had the Bobcats work together to create a video game project, wherein they would design and launch their own video game. This was hubris on my part, and a lack of maturity on theirs. I created a Google Doc where we would write the story and ideas on a shared document. The male students found pictures of baboons on the internet and posted their bare red asses on the Document. I shut down the assignment shortly after, and had them write their ideas on separate documents, which seemed to work much better.
I could have started this individual portion much sooner than expecting them to be able to create a shared Document together. Granted, some of them did extremely well with this and came up with fantastic ideas for video games. I was impressed by the level of creativity these students displayed. But scaffolding is one of the most important strategies to implement with this population of students. Indeed, it is a good match for the classroom, but I would need to show the students "here, this is what a professional document looks like," and then move them into a shared document for the group.
Data Driven Reflection
11/26/2018
Through this cycle of assessment, analysis, and action, I have noticed that when I get a second chance to run a lesson, I have a much better time. I feel as though I can connect with students in a deeper way. It is sort of like when I was acting at Fort Lewis: I would go out opening night with wild energy, but through the show's run I would have to harness it into something that could connect with the audience members (especially if we are talking Shakespeare). I looked at the assessment data for my first digital citizenship lesson, and it was poor. I then got the chance to reteach the lesson, and it went much better.
In my creative writing class, before break, we used a program called Storybird, where students were able to build a storybook using a program over the internet that used pictures to further develop the story. I think they had a good time with it, and we had talked about fantasy lessons before. However, after reviewing my video for Dr. Rider's class, I would like to talk about this section of writing again, especially because fantasy is such a popular genre in this era. I think that my introduction could be better; I could connect to the students through an interactive lesson, rather than a dull lecture followed by DI, followed by Independent work time. Rather, I should take tweak the lesson to better connect to the students who may not have been connected before.
I am also curious as to further reflect on my Drama class. I believe that I am doing well with these Theatre students, but there is one girl in the class who is (unknowingly and without malice) disrespectful to her peers. I have set down norms in the class, but I may need to use this, because I think I could serve these students better through assessing what they have learned, analyzing my instruction, and taking action to tweak the lesson into something with a greater connection to all students, especially about taking care of each other's feelings.
Professional Development Goals & Acceptance
12/4/18
I am having a hard time meeting Professional Development goals in my current state. I feel like I am getting all the PD I need through classes, weekly meetings, books and texts on the subject of education, and many other sources. And yet this doesn't seem to be enough. I'm behind schedule on my induction requirements, which are programs designed to help me achieve as a new Jeffco hire. My principal, selflessly, offered to place me in PD programs which his school would pay for out of pocket. And my first thought was "ugh, you mean I have to do another thing?"
But this is just burnout David talking.
Really I should be grateful to be supported with being molded into a "kick ass and take names" kind of teacher. I also need to find acceptance that: maybe I'm not going to to get every little thing done this year, and that's okay. That doesn't make me a terrible teacher. It makes me a human ****ing being. And I believe that sort of self-deprecation is exactly why many good teachers stop being teachers; the demands put on them, and deadlines not met, cause a sense of burnout and self-doubt as to this occupation.
I for one will not take part in this hostility toward the self. I am going to take care of myself, and be a safe space for myself and my self-care as a teacher. I will graciously accept whatever PD comes my way, knowing that it will only cause me to emerge a tired and more able educator.
Team Collaboration Reflection
12/8/18
After reading Jason Perez's article on Teacher Collaboration, I'm happy to announce that we have grown past the "norming" phase and going toward the "performing" phase in our class. I had to get rid of the notion of "my class" and (literally) open my door connected to my colleague in Social Studies. Being with expert teachers has been endlessly helpful in creating a positive environment for my students. They see us working together, sometimes disagreeing, but always coming together for the benefit of others.
I was at a Christmas party two years ago, and I met a woman who worked a year at my old high school. If anyone needed to write an article on the traditional high school, mine would be it. She had many complaints (as we all do about our schools), but her biggest one was the sheer separation between teachers at the school. I never knew it as a high school student, but there were undertones of isolation at my school, which I very much believe trickles down into the student's perception of school. Our students are far more intuitive than we give them credit for.
Our biggest obstacle is not having enough time together as a Humanities team (English, Social Studies, Music) to assess, discuss, plan, and execute. I feel as though I came into the team needing to step up, but I was already in the first-year slump. As I'm currently trying to work my way out of the slump, I find that, perhaps, my lack of enthusiasm has left a foul residue around my team. I feel as though to bring ourselves to the next level of collaboration, whereby the students outperform our expectations, I need to speak up with my ideas that I've learned in this class. I find that, as a first year teacher, when I speak up with ideas, I'm often shut down. This may be a misperception, but I feel like I haven't "proved myself" in the ways my ten-year colleague has. I should remember that my voice is important as well, and perhaps my lack of experience can be my expertise for a time.
9/20/2018
A student who no longer goes to my school would often pester me for food. He would say "Mister, do you got any snacks." I would often go to the counseling office downstairs to find him something, anything donated to our school for students. Sometimes I hear students tell me we should place a snack cabinet into the classroom. I feel it's a marvelous idea. I then look at the students asking, and see that they are bony, powering through the day to get a diploma to better their lives. I have not known hunger. The only time we ate hot dogs and cheap Kraft dinners was when my parents were too lazy to go to the store; their words, not mine. I have not known hunger. I have never know the pains of not having three squares a day. I have never known what it really means to have pains shoot through your torso from lack of nutrition.
But I know hunger now.
I work with a population of students, some of whom are cared for with the most support and love that a family can give. But some of whom live in abject poverty, in every sense of that phrase. These are not students from a mispronounced third-world country, but they are students who starve in the backyard of our cities. They may just be 20 minutes away from that favorite Thai place you have. It puts my privilege into perspective. I have never known what it's like to be awoken by shotgun blasts in the neighbor's driveway. I have never known what it's like to have to work until 2 AM. I have never known what it's like to be left, alone, to fend for myself or my sister.
I know hunger now.
Teaching and Mental Health
9/29/2018
I was on the phone with my friend last night, and I was talking about how sick I was this week. It was the most lethargic I had been in months. Truly unable to do much but sleep and eat. The weekend before I was a real go-getter. I was doing all of it. I did yoga, biked around Denver, cleaned my house, and somehow found time to catch up on school work. The next night I went to see the Rockies and my throat was sore. By the end of the next day I had informed my Principal's Assistant that I would not be returning the next day. My coworkers told me to get some rest, while moving away from me, as though I was a leper.
My friend asked me "are you sick because you're depressed?" I replied that I was depressed because I was sick, not the other way around. I try to stay on top of my mental health: exercise, diet, meditation, taking inventory, etc. She claimed that an underlying depression might be the cause of my illness. I asked her to back that with verified sources. Thanks college. But it made me think about how well I was treating myself. Perhaps this pseudo-manic running around last weekend was to avoid any chance to be introspective and think about how I really feel.
I saw an article on teaching and depression in my research in our Technology class. I decided not to look at it. But perhaps I should look back into it. I don't think I'm depressed right now, but I know that as a child I was diagnosed with dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder. I don't think mental health just becomes cured overnight, but rather it takes a lifetime of self-work of learning self worth. My principal told me that the Jeffco Employee Assistance Program is right next to our school, and that he goes there at least once a week. We also have about a dozen counselors (academic and mental health professionals) for our 300 students. I have many resources, but it is up to me to reach out and use them.
I believe that this MAE/first teaching year can be accomplished, but it takes a good balance of being social and exerting myself, and being isolated to where I can look inward.
Using New Assessments: Google Form for Self-Evaluation
10/2/2018
I have created a Google Form for my student's final evaluation next week when the term ends. There might be a better version of Google Forms out there, because I wanted students to be able to rate their peers. I see many people taking a backseat on this project, and others taking a leadership role to get it finished. Ideally, I wanted my students to use Google Forms in their Google Classroom to evaluate their peers. Now what I'm doing is combining their self-assessment with their peer assessment, which will be in paragraph form.
Although the website didn't do exactly what I wanted, I could still work around it. I ended up doing a "Scale of 1 - 10" on their personal performance, and a "Long Answer" text box on their group members and their effort. Overall, the form looks good and I will surely use this in the future. All of this is new to me, but I do appreciate the fact that I'm not printing off a stack of paper for ninety students, and I'm sure my principal will be glad of that as well.
The "Woke" Generation
10/9/2018
Woke (adj.)
Def. Although an incorrect tense of awake, a reference to how people should be aware in current affairs.
Ex. "While you are obsessing with the Kardashians, there are millions of homeless in the world. STAY WOKE"
-Urbandictionary.com
I walked up to this group's table during our final exhibition of the term. We had brought donuts for them. I bought two maple and bacon donuts, thinking "Perhaps I'll have one too." A girl named J had a donut with this group, and she called me over to explain what topped this donut. I said "Maple and bacon." A young man, Dany, disapproved of the combination and made that vocally known. Dany is charismatic, charming, and easily the second best basketball player at our school.
I seized the opportunity for a joke. I said, "What you have there my friend is a man's donut. That donut is what lumberjacks eat all morning." Chuckles from everyone; I kept at it: "That donut tastes like Maine."
Dany laughed and replied, "Well that still disgusting, and I don't want your homophobic donut anyway."
That cracked me up. But later while I was on the phone with my friend, she lovingly mentioned how "woke" the children of today are. Indeed, when I was in high school, the funny things for the alpha males to do would be to make fun of homosexuals, not defend them.
How things have changed.
After the First Grading
10/18/2018
I was quite nervous all weekend for Monday. My grade book was dismal on Thursday. I had a feeling that my students were going to riot about the fact that many of them failed the class. I mean, they had to know that they weren't working, but I wonder if they have the self-insight to see that.
Luckily, I think it was the wake-up call they needed for my classroom. A few of them were upset, one boy looked like he was going to punch something. But I had a feeling he knew why he failed my class. We gave him countless opportunities with endless amounts of support.
The countdown to grades being due was nerve-wracking. I have never been so stressed, even with the essays and stories needing grading. I have reflected on the fact that I need a new system to get my students the feedback they need in order to achieve in my class. I'm finding that I am not very connected to screens, and, literally, everything we do is on a screen. I would like to find a way to systematize my classroom so I know exactly where to go with everything. But I'm not really sure how. I have an assignment planner, but I need to get in the habit of using it!
The Achiever's Shutdown Paradox
10/25/2018
I had a student who was in danger of failing the class, and he gave me the smallest inkling that he wanted to pass the class. This particular student puts off a tough visage, but he's brilliant: charming and funny. So I contacted his house the day before everything was due. His mother said he would be working through the night to finish and submit his written work.
And finish he did. He clawed his way to a passing grade, and I was very proud. He came up and said, "Hey, I got all the stuff in." I was elated to hear that. I thought a new student was reborn, because I did all the things. I set high expectations, I scaffolded content, I communicated with his house. I did it all!
I should mention that this student is making up several credits missed from earlier in his high school career. He is probably going to be a super senior. But that's okay, because there is not a lot of shame in a credit recovery school. My feeling was the student would change. But now he is wandering the hallways, not coming to class, and, essentially, setting himself up for failure.
It is a huge blow to my teacher ego that he is so capable of achieving and yet, doesn't. Am I putting too much pressure on? Is it a mentality of "I'm not good enough, so why even try?" I don't know. Hopefully someone can explain this to me because I am baffled. More to come on this student.
A Good Day
11/5/2018
In 1993, the rapper Ice Cube released a song called "It Was A Good Day," which described a day in South Central LA that was "good." He discussed how he didn't see anyone get shot and had a swell time with a young lady. My day today was kind of like that. Minus all the gangster sh*t. I genuinely have felt extremely out of place and like I'm not doing well lately. Apparently, there is a slump in the first year of teaching, where the excitement wears off and you may think "Is this the right profession?" I must admit that I looked at jobs that teachers can have after they're done being teachers. And I'm three months in.
I could complain about a plethora of things, but really things had not gone smoothly until today. I had my first observation with my principal with my most difficult class, and many of them engaged, and it was apparent that they trusted and respected me, while at the same time cutting loose. I had a great talk with my principal and I finished grading my final manifesto. I did everything correct, and I do not often affirm when I do that. I will find the one small black smudge on a perfectly clean windshield. Today was different, today was actually good. Everything was smooth, nobody vaped in the bathroom or got into a fight. The only huge variable I can think of is that I biked to school instead of drove. I am certain that if I keep this up I can spread the healthy lifestyle of positivity.
I'm off to bed after writing this, I need tea and yoga like a plant needs water. Hopefully more good news to come.
Research Reflection
11/10/2018
I am continuing to put forth effort into my research process. I'm grateful that writing comes easy to me, but what does not come easy is following directions. I wrote the Literature Review as per the Capstone Rubric, however I failed to note the Research Methods section during the process. Today I am going to Red Rocks Community College to finish that section of the paper before I turn it in for IRB approval. I have some fears as my deadline for Jeffco is Dec. 1st and Thanksgiving Break is next week. I doubt the board will be working through the break.
Dr. Dorman and I met on Wednesday night to complete critiques of the Methods section of my paper. I am very grateful for her dedication, because I could tell she was tired, but she stuck it out until 9:30 PM on a school night. I was pretty burnt the next day, I forgot how time consuming grading papers is for an English teacher. I hate to say it, but a few weeks ago, as I got over my terrible illness, I took a step back from the grad program and I actually got better at my job; I was more present with my students and less stressed. I know this stressed and feeling of overwhelming is a "fart in the wind" to quote the Shawshank Redemption, but I still can't tell which one takes priority: my students or the graduate program.
Summative Assessments in PBL
11/10/2018
I find it fun and helpful to collaborate with other teachers on our smaller "Humanities" team in our larger "Survival Team." Any research I have done for my Capstone Project points out that successful Project Based Learning (PBL) in school needs to be accompanied by strong interdisciplinary collaboration between one or more teachers. There are many teachers, from personal experience, who would not agree to have their subject be broached by other subjects, nor would they want to work with someone. Their classroom is their classroom. However, I have it on good authority that the Jeffco Public School District is going the route of PBL. There are many teachers who would quit before giving up the traditional model of schooling. Sometimes progress is hard won.
However, I've seen PBL in action. I submitted my last PBL summative assessment wherein we had students collaborate to Build A Civilization and then battle for world domination in the gym. We built this using backwards design: we structured the summative assessment first, then filled in the scaffolding toward that later. The students were highly competitive, engaged, and interested. I found it difficult to believe that in previous years these students had been truant, disengaged, and unsuccessful in school. This might be because of us as their teachers, or that we made the prize of the day a "get out of assignment free" pass, but I think that school assessments can be fun, interactive, and teach students without rote learning. My high school heralded tests, quizzes, and essays, but in the 21st century this sort of learning only benefits the Common Core Standards and will prove unsuccessful, given another decade.
Self Care and MAE Feelings
11/10/18
So much yoga has been practiced. So much yoga. If I'm not doing yoga and meditating, I find myself being unable to sleep at night, and hence cannot function the next day. If I can be present and quiet with feelings of stress, anxiety, worry, anger, and self-doubt, I can invite them into my being, and wish them goodbye.
I find myself weaning off of coffee, and I love coffee, probably more than I love any other beverage (besides water). I have several baskets filled with herbal teas, and I haven't eaten fast food in months. I still have my comfort foods, but I don't indulge. I try to keep a balance between what needs to be done at work and with the FLC program, and having a semblance of a social life. I struggle, but I keep going as I can.
What is my biggest relief is being creative. I'm lucky enough to teach a Theatre class in my school, and we did the Sanford Meisner technique. I watched these students turn from wild high schoolers to trained actors for a small frame of time. That creative outlet is important to me. I'm learning "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on piano, which is another outlet for me. My guitar, piano and voice is an outlet. When I make the kids laugh, that's an outlet. Whatever I can do to lower my cortisol and feel like I'm still being a creative human is how I keep my sanity through tough times. In fact, the lyricist Kip Harberg who wrote "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" described his world famous song as a song that hangs onto hope and laughter in times of confusion, and everything seems hopeless. I try to keep that with me.
https://vimeo.com/57597507
IRB Feels and a Deep Conversation
11/13/2018
Today, I had to meet with my induction group, but I had double booked and promised my Research Advisor, Dr. Beth Dorman that I would meet with her. I was not present during the meeting and it was apparent. I apologized for my lack of focus (let me remind you that I am so very tired). They asked me questions about the MAE program and they seemed empathetic to the fact that this was my first year on the job, we had a crazy first Term of school, and I'm trying to get stuff in. Luckily we have two years to complete the induction process, I am going to need it.
I got home and got to work on my IRB. I thought it was good to go, but Dr. Dorman called and had some pointers to get it through. Mostly that I need an expedited IRB review. The IRB website says that "it must be a full review if children are involved." For the past six days I have been hammering my Research Proposal and Methods into something that is deliverable. And I need to remind myself that it is done.
Let me repeat: It is done.
I was very worried because Jeffco wants all IRB and Research submissions by December 1st. I was wracked with fears and worries, especially because Thanksgiving break is coming and nobody in my district will be working. But I've heard a phrase that FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real." Indeed this was it, because I called the Research Department at Jeffco and Holly Jolly (I swear that's her name!) was kind and understanding about my anxieties. Now I just feel silly. All is well and the universe wants me to succeed, because I'm putting some really good energy forth:
I had a 10 minute conversation with this kid about how he escaped the gang life in Denver and suggested books like "Always Running" and "God's Gangs." Then he told me how "someone could be such a monster and then become an entirely new person." Now he's trying to send that message to the "little homies," and I told him to listen to "Return of the G" that shares a similar message. He was super impressed that I even knew Outkast, let alone some jam from 1998. He came back in playing some "Return of the Mack." This young man wants to be a welder, but I'm going to talk to him about being an inspirational speaker (he's a phenomenal writer as well) because, not to sound snobby, his talents and wisdom would be wasted on a work site.
I'm going to play piano until I go to sleep. I haven't been sleeping all that well, but last night I got 8 hours and I feel like a normal person again.
Instructional Strategies
11/24/2018
While we, at our school, use a great deal of collaborative strategies, they are sometimes not helpful to the classroom environment. We have had more successes than failures, but in the beginning of the semester we cohorted the 10th graders, the "Bobcats" into their own group. This was a mistake for a multitude of reasons, but one of the biggest ones was thinking that these students were ready for collaborative projects like what the older students were doing. Some of these students have not been in school for a year or two, and many have behaviors of middle school students.
One collaboration in particular was embarrassingly fruitless. I had the Bobcats work together to create a video game project, wherein they would design and launch their own video game. This was hubris on my part, and a lack of maturity on theirs. I created a Google Doc where we would write the story and ideas on a shared document. The male students found pictures of baboons on the internet and posted their bare red asses on the Document. I shut down the assignment shortly after, and had them write their ideas on separate documents, which seemed to work much better.
I could have started this individual portion much sooner than expecting them to be able to create a shared Document together. Granted, some of them did extremely well with this and came up with fantastic ideas for video games. I was impressed by the level of creativity these students displayed. But scaffolding is one of the most important strategies to implement with this population of students. Indeed, it is a good match for the classroom, but I would need to show the students "here, this is what a professional document looks like," and then move them into a shared document for the group.
Data Driven Reflection
11/26/2018
Through this cycle of assessment, analysis, and action, I have noticed that when I get a second chance to run a lesson, I have a much better time. I feel as though I can connect with students in a deeper way. It is sort of like when I was acting at Fort Lewis: I would go out opening night with wild energy, but through the show's run I would have to harness it into something that could connect with the audience members (especially if we are talking Shakespeare). I looked at the assessment data for my first digital citizenship lesson, and it was poor. I then got the chance to reteach the lesson, and it went much better.
In my creative writing class, before break, we used a program called Storybird, where students were able to build a storybook using a program over the internet that used pictures to further develop the story. I think they had a good time with it, and we had talked about fantasy lessons before. However, after reviewing my video for Dr. Rider's class, I would like to talk about this section of writing again, especially because fantasy is such a popular genre in this era. I think that my introduction could be better; I could connect to the students through an interactive lesson, rather than a dull lecture followed by DI, followed by Independent work time. Rather, I should take tweak the lesson to better connect to the students who may not have been connected before.
I am also curious as to further reflect on my Drama class. I believe that I am doing well with these Theatre students, but there is one girl in the class who is (unknowingly and without malice) disrespectful to her peers. I have set down norms in the class, but I may need to use this, because I think I could serve these students better through assessing what they have learned, analyzing my instruction, and taking action to tweak the lesson into something with a greater connection to all students, especially about taking care of each other's feelings.
Professional Development Goals & Acceptance
12/4/18
I am having a hard time meeting Professional Development goals in my current state. I feel like I am getting all the PD I need through classes, weekly meetings, books and texts on the subject of education, and many other sources. And yet this doesn't seem to be enough. I'm behind schedule on my induction requirements, which are programs designed to help me achieve as a new Jeffco hire. My principal, selflessly, offered to place me in PD programs which his school would pay for out of pocket. And my first thought was "ugh, you mean I have to do another thing?"
But this is just burnout David talking.
Really I should be grateful to be supported with being molded into a "kick ass and take names" kind of teacher. I also need to find acceptance that: maybe I'm not going to to get every little thing done this year, and that's okay. That doesn't make me a terrible teacher. It makes me a human ****ing being. And I believe that sort of self-deprecation is exactly why many good teachers stop being teachers; the demands put on them, and deadlines not met, cause a sense of burnout and self-doubt as to this occupation.
I for one will not take part in this hostility toward the self. I am going to take care of myself, and be a safe space for myself and my self-care as a teacher. I will graciously accept whatever PD comes my way, knowing that it will only cause me to emerge a tired and more able educator.
Team Collaboration Reflection
12/8/18
After reading Jason Perez's article on Teacher Collaboration, I'm happy to announce that we have grown past the "norming" phase and going toward the "performing" phase in our class. I had to get rid of the notion of "my class" and (literally) open my door connected to my colleague in Social Studies. Being with expert teachers has been endlessly helpful in creating a positive environment for my students. They see us working together, sometimes disagreeing, but always coming together for the benefit of others.
I was at a Christmas party two years ago, and I met a woman who worked a year at my old high school. If anyone needed to write an article on the traditional high school, mine would be it. She had many complaints (as we all do about our schools), but her biggest one was the sheer separation between teachers at the school. I never knew it as a high school student, but there were undertones of isolation at my school, which I very much believe trickles down into the student's perception of school. Our students are far more intuitive than we give them credit for.
Our biggest obstacle is not having enough time together as a Humanities team (English, Social Studies, Music) to assess, discuss, plan, and execute. I feel as though I came into the team needing to step up, but I was already in the first-year slump. As I'm currently trying to work my way out of the slump, I find that, perhaps, my lack of enthusiasm has left a foul residue around my team. I feel as though to bring ourselves to the next level of collaboration, whereby the students outperform our expectations, I need to speak up with my ideas that I've learned in this class. I find that, as a first year teacher, when I speak up with ideas, I'm often shut down. This may be a misperception, but I feel like I haven't "proved myself" in the ways my ten-year colleague has. I should remember that my voice is important as well, and perhaps my lack of experience can be my expertise for a time.